Helping Singles Who Desire Godly Marriage
Are you a Christian single who wants to get married but you’ve lost hope? Singleness can be feel lonely, disappointing, defeating, and exhausting, especially for those who have had a longtime desire for marriage. In some ways, it’s easier to give up on a dream. Sometimes it’s easier to accept the lies that tell you you’re not married because you’re unlovable, not pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough. The lies that say there are no good eligible options out there. Maybe you’ve started to think that God wants you to be alone.
But here’s the truth: we were all created for relationship. God created mankind so He could be in relationship with us. He also created us in His image, and because he is a relational God, this means that in our very makeup is a fundamental need for relationship. This need should draw us into desiring a deeper relationship with God as well as other humans. I am not saying, nor do I believe, that everyone has to get married in order to be in God’s favor. Sometimes He calls his sons or daughters to a different path. But, if you have a desire to get married, I do believe that desire is God-given and a good thing. Don’t just give up on it. Explore it. Hold out hope for it. Bring it before God. Allow Him to bless the desire and refine you in this process of desiring.
This is easier said than done. The struggle of singleness is something that is very personal and close to my heart. I grew up desiring more than anything to get married. I lived out my twenties searching for the right man, putting myself out there by going on countless dates, and praying and believing that I would be married. My thirties hit hard. As culture’s value for marriage continued to decline, so it seemed did the quality of eligible men in the dating pool. I continued to pray, believe, and put myself out there, but my hope and efforts dwindled as I had more and more disappointing dating experiences. Countless times, I told God I was willing to surrender the dream of marriage if He had something better in store for me. But every time, I felt the urge to continue holding hope. I’m now finally married to the man of my dreams. I would have written the story differently if I didn’t have full trust that God is a better author than I am. He has proven this time and time again. My love story that He has written for me is beautiful, yet not always easy. It’s full of joy yet also hardships. It doesn’t always make sense, but I know it will some day, and it’s a joy to live it out.
This is what I’ve learned in my personal experience and in my work as a therapist, helping others go after healthy relationships with themselves, God, and others:
The pain of singleness is valid. Before I was married, people would often tell me that when I finally found the one, I wouldn’t even care about how long it seemed to take to find him. I don’t believe this is true, and I feel it also diminishes the value of my experience. The length and efforts I put in to seeking a husband, staying open yet maintaining standards, being let down and getting back up again, questioning what I needed to do differently, accepting at times that there was nothing I could do differently, waiting patiently, waiting impatiently, all contributed to the joy and value of a long-awaited fulfilled promise. I do care about it. You can care, too. It matters.
Grief exists not just when you lose something you had, but when you live without something you deeply long for. I got to do a lot of awesome thing during my extended season of singleness that I may not have made time for or had resources for if I had married earlier. I am grateful for those experiences, and don’t think any single person needs to just sit around and wait to get married before they start living. However, it’s okay and healthy to acknowledge the sadness or grief that comes from not having a spouse during certain seasons or life experiences that you hoped they’d be there for. Acknowledge it and don’t ignore it.
Being married doesn’t fix everything. It fixes some things and creates needs and problems in other areas. God’s plans for us always tend to stretch and grow us. Singleness does this in some ways, and so does marriage. Be ready for this.
Anything we prioritize above God, even something good, is an idol. God gave you the desire for marriage, which is a good thing. But if you place this desire above a desire for God and His plan for your life, it’s out of order and will become detrimental for you. Sometimes I think this is why God delays fulfilling dreams of marriage. He’s waiting for you to say “Your plans first, God, even if they’re different than mine.” Often times His plans include what you’re asking for, but He’s waiting for you to be able to receive and steward these gifts in a way that won’t hurt you. He asked Abraham to sacrifice His son, but then He gave Isaac right back to Him. Don’t fear that your surrender of your deepest dreams will result in devastation. God loves you too much, and He’s not mean.
God loves marriage and wants His kids to model enjoy fulfilling marriages. It’s Satan, not God, who hates marriage and doesn’t want people to get married. It’s Satan who wants to devalue and destroy marriages, or to paint them as something too risky, too dangerous, too stressful, and too hopeless for people in their right minds to go after. Recognize the lies of the enemy. Instead, partner with God’s perspective and allow Him to work through you to redeem and restore marriage and family in today’s culture. There’s always hope when we see things through God’s eyes.
What steps can you take if you’re single and want to get married?
Continue to pray into this desire. Don’t be afraid to show it to the Lord! Only good things can happen when we allow God to get close.
Be willing to surrender your plans and your ways to Him. Surrender doesn’t mean He’s going to throw out the entirety of plans or give you something worse. Don’t you believe He knows what you truly love best and what you need and want most? He made you. He wants to write the perfect love story for you. Trust Him more than your own ideas and desires. Allow Him to refine them and you.
If you struggle with believing God wants good things for you or in your ability to surrender to Him, ask why. Sometimes He needs us to recognize lies we’ve been believing and correct our perspectives so we can see things in the light of truth. When we have healthy perspectives, we make much better, healthier, and fulfilling choices.
Seek mentorship, guidance, or therapy! Allow someone with wisdom, shared values, and experience to pour into you. Therapy can help you identify skewed mindsets, explore where these came from, and reprocess painful experiences. Therapy can equip you with the emotional skills necessary to attract and build healthy relationships that turn into healthy, God-centered marriages. If you feel a tugging at your heart to go to therapy. listen to it!
If you are single but want to be married, there is hope for you! Even if you’ve lost sight of it. I’d love to help guide and support you through the challenges of singleness and dating. If you are located in the states of Colorado or Arizona, consider working with me. Contact me today to request a free complimentary phone consultation to see if I’m a good fit. Let’s get you whole, healed, and healthy so you can make space for God’s best for you!
Looking for couples therapy? My colleague Dr. Julie Edwards does amazing work with couples, equipping them with strong communication skills and helping them heal from broken trust. Schedule your consult today to work with Julie.